So here is my story. As a child I had so much energy. I would be running around everywhere. I was taking modeling classes, I was taking dancing classes. I started my youth young. I remember being everywhere at once, laughing the whole way through. The only thing that stays with me from my pre-teenage years is that I remember getting these "bad" headaches. There were so bad that I would not be able to come out of my room, I remember going from doctor to doctor getting tested for this and that, and the doctors would tell me that they could find nothing. I later found out that people called these migraines and they still hurt as an adult.

At the age of 13 or so I started drinking, going out until the wee hours of the night. I also started working around this age. The man that had hired me thought I was sixteen and wanted me to be a cashier for his fruit and vegetable store. However he had never asked my age, once he discovered this he quickly took me off the cash and put me in the back helping the boys. So my job consisted of ensuring that all the counters were full, as well one of my duties was to help the customers bring their 50 lbs bag of potatoes to their car. For some reason I recall this quite clearly I would take that bag of potatoes and throw it above my shoulder, as it weighed nothing. I would follow the customer and bring it out to the car.

In a few a years I started Junior High school and carrying potatoes wasn't cool anymore so I went and found another job and left my first job. The summer of my last year in high school I got my myself an additional job. For 4 summers in a row I worked cashier at a department store, and after this shift I would run to the restaurant would I would do my duties until 10 or 11ish. After work at the restaurant I would take my parents truck and I would go out until we hours in the morning. I remember being at work some days and just getting the "shakes" I would eat and take a nap and I would be fine.

At the age of 17 I moved out of my parents home and into my own apartment while I finished my last year of high school. Nothing scared me; there were only a few things that I would not try. I was standing straight, always smiling, and I couldn't wait to get the next thing started.

At the age of 18, I had a job as a sales representative, had a brand new car and had moved away to a town a few hours away so that I may cover my territory. I had a car accident in April 1995, my car was totalled luckily I escaped unharmed. Therefore I went on to my new challenge at the age of 19 I left my home province and moved to Montreal. Physically between the ages of 13 and 24 I felt amazing. My migraines had gone away, the shakes had completely stopped, I could use all of energy as I wish, and I felt so great that nothing could get in my way. Not even a year into my stay I met my Husband, and we have been together happily since.

I got out of the barmaid business and got an office job. So that I would work the 9-5 to job, what a fool I was … I started working as a receptionist before no time I was the comptroller assistant. I would work at an average of 6 days a week and I was studying at university at night. They tell me that I was working on average 60 hours a week.

In 1998 I went on the Depo-Provera, I am not sure if this triggered anything off but it surely added to some symptoms. Depo-Provera is a needle that a woman received that will not only stop her menstruation, but also make her hormones going wild on some woman. (pssttt can we say mistake?) All I remember is being so edgy and irritable that I didn't want to talk to my husband because I knew that I would bight his head of even though he hadn't done a thing to me.

So that I could keep my energy level up, I started going to the gym and swimming.. When I was not working, going to school or studying I went straight for bed and just slept…. However as soon as I would get home I would fall asleep.

It's the small thing that makes you realizes things sometimes. I remember clearly one night getting home from work, sitting on the couch for a minute. Unfornatley I fell asleep. I remember hearing him speaking to me, I remember hearing pots and pans in the kitchen, and the stove was going. But I could barely hear it through my zonked state. Finally the poor man came to me and I remember him saying "come I cooked us dinner so that we can eat together" yet I could not even open my eyes to make it to the table.

Summer of 1998 I noticed I had a lump, no not in my breast but in my groin. But it was rather odd since it would only show when I move a certain way it would pop right up. Rather puzzled I went to see the doctor and within a few months I was under the operating table. Ended up it was a simple hernia. I stopped school, even stopped work for a bit. My surgeon wanted me to take 1 month off and I argued with her and told her I was NOT taking a month off. I ended having the surgery and staying a week and half at home. I thought the recovery went fine my stomach just had to heal since they had to cut the bottom of my stomach so that they could sew me up again.

I left my office job and got another job where " I was not going to do overtime" I told them during the interview. I still shake my head when I get to this part of the story. Of course no overtime… At least this time around I was not going to school… However as the years progressed I was still always sleeping at home, I was loosing my hair. Some days combing my hair was so hard, my arms would tire that I was would try to get in a ponytail and go to work. I remember a few times when I was trying to brush my hair or brush my teeth my husband would walk buy and just stare in the bathroom and ask me if I was ok, I would take a deep breath and go yea of course…

But in reality I was sometimes very scared in these moments how could I not be able to take a shower, brush my teeth and my hair anymore? Remember I was the one that could do anything a boy could do and yet still looked like a girl. And now I cant brush my hair?

So here I am at age 25, I am getting hot flashes, all I want to do is sleep, my breast are swore, I have no libido, I am moody, extremely irritable, some days I am so weak while others I have a bit more normal day that I can brush my hair. I get so tired my eyes are burning but yet I sleep and I do not feel rested and I have hot flashes, I just don't have the energy for the posture that I used to have.

So finally I decide this is not normal for me, so I went to see my general practitioner doctor. I sat in front of him and told him I don't know what happened to me but I don't see myself. All I want to do is sleep and I have no energy left. At that time I remember blaming everything on that Depo-Provera, looking back now I think it may not have helped but it wasn't the root of all evil either. So he listened to me rant and after I insisted he sent me for a line of blood test. I remember he also asked me where do you hurt, and I answered my teeth don't really hurt. After that they checked for almost everything and anything.

The results of the blood test were something that started a long series of doctor appointments and disappointment. My hormones were way out of there. Do we wonder why? At one point we had decided that I was pre-menopausal… Remember I am 25 years old at this point or about that. Other than that my neutrophyles were low by a point or 2.

I stopped the Depo-Provera and was starting to feel a tad better. I stopped working over 50 hours a week and work my 44 hours and went home. Yet I cant keep up with my sleep it seems no matter what I do I am not getting enough sleep. I feel worst and worst. Yet I feel like at least doctors are trying and they will find the solution and be able to help me get back to my old self.

The GP orders yet another round of test almost a year goes by and yet I am still going through test after test, I feel like my GP is Not taking me seriously he is minimizing all the aches and pains I have. So I go for about blood test every 3 months so that he can monitor all the results, or so he tells me. The private clinic where I go for my blood test are giving me a credit line and recognize my voice over the telephone I am there so often.

Finally after over a year of monitoring, my hormones are almost back to normal, but most of the bothersome symptoms remains; the swore legs, the constant tiredness, weakness, the dizziness, the light head spells, the forgetfulness, the joints aching, the limping, the muscles aching and cramping to name a few, the bruised feeling. So my old GP retires so my file is transferred to a new GP. At least she looks at my file and validates at least some of my symptoms and sends me off to an immunologist.

So now we lost another 9 months to get an appointment with her, but we get there. Another series of blood test are done and another 3 months have gone by. I get in her office and she says seem to have all the symptom of Rheumatoid Artheris but nothing is in your blood. But I cannot understand these peculiar pains that keep you awake at night… So I am sending you to the Lupus Clinic. Here another 6 to 9 months went by.

In the meantime I have again changed jobs so that I may finally work a real 9-5 job since I was unable to be as precise and fast as it was demanded of me from my old employer. I found a job that I was happy with and was content. I worked Monday to Friday, 35 hours a week and went home. Slowly my sleeping habits become more regular and more within normal ranges. However I still could not stay sat down at the same place for long, not could I sleep through the whole night. But at least I felt there was hope because I am going up the hill.

I finally went to see the Lupus Clinic where yet another blood test was preformed; more results were needed so a second appointment was needed. At home we decided to get out of the city and move back to my home province where at least there was affordable housing and my support group. So we packed up all the stuff and headed for my home province. I called my doctor and told them that I was moving, they were at least kind enough to sneak me in another appt so that I may have the results of the test as well as meet with the Rheumatholigist.

The Rheumatholigist intern asked me questions after questions and I was thinking finally someone that is thorough and complete… Will they have a solution?? Well they finally came up with a partial answer. They thought I had fibromyalgia. Since my aunt had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia years and years ago I remembered what it was and it had crossed my mind in the past. However even though I had a vague idea what it was I only had a vague idea.

The doctor wanted to give me some painkillers, muscle relaxers , anti-inflammatory, sleeping aid, and anti-depressants but I refused thinking I did not want to start off with such medications to begin with. And why now that they had a name to it they wanted to give me medication but they wouldn't before? The symptoms remained the same. I was slowly going up the hill now they want to give me medication? Ok The hill still rose quite high above my head but I was climbing it and not going backwards none the less. Now they wanted to give me medication? I didn't know if I wanted to feel validated or just the frustration.

So I went home signed up for a few forums and read and read and slept and read and slept and read and slept and even worked. We moved to the country, where I have job that I work 37.5 hours a week, in a call centre that cares about their employees and listens to their complaints and rectifies it.

I am currently still going up the hill and some days I think I can see the top of the hill. I opted for take multiple vitamins and sleep and time to try to heal my wounds. Methyl B12 has been an amazing discovery for me. I have regained a few more notches of energy. My legs still hurt and some nights I still cant sleep for most of the night, but some days I actually feel almost normal for my new self.

However as a good friend once told me you must never forget that it is there, but you must learn to respect and learn it's limitations. It is since become my motto in life. I have repeated it so many times to myself that I believe it and I have learned to live by these words. And when I disrespect it and go out and I cannot sleep afterwards I pay the price and I apologize to my body for not taking care of it as well as I should have.

Before I could go to work, then go to my second job and then go out, I now can go to work and every few weeks go out in public for a few hours even. It takes most of my energy to get to work and stay independent some days, but I am still climbing the hill. Which is something that I consider myself very lucky for. I have a great support group that consist of my family and friends and of course my dear husband. I have educated them all on how some days I may be almost normal but it doesn't mean that tomorrow will be the same.

My dear boyfriend is forever here, and somehow he has never asked me to carry the groceries bags on the days that I could and yet he has always been there when I had trouble opening the juice bottle. I am still rather baffled on how he continues to pull it off but he does and with great patience that I don't think anybody else can match. Because since most people with Fibromyalgia were not only overly independent but quite proud of it as well you can ask someone to carry their grocery bags when they can. When I thank him for being him and being by my side he looks at me quizzically like I was being so silly.

Some people definition of fibromyalgia varies from person to person since the symptoms are usually different form person to person. But I believe that it is a body that is tired and needs to be taken care of. It may be due to a physical trauma, or over usage over the years but our body was made only to last so long. Someone once posted that we were given some bottles as new born, in that bottle we have the energy for this lifetime. Some of us have tried to heal ourselves to fast, or have almost used up that bottle already. Whether our birth certificate says that we are 19 or 91 some days we all feel the same. In my case I think I am getting away with it pretty easily my body tried to literally shut down before I made any more damages to it. So even though I am climbing the hill already and have a wonderful team to help me on my bad days, which is something that not everybody has access to.

I am able to continue working, even though I took my semi retirement at the tender age of 28, at least I am working. And I lucked out even though I am working in the call centre industry I have steady hours, (days even) and a great benefit package which even cover my medicine (ok so I don't qualify for short disability or long term disability) I'm not really any worst off Am I?. I have my soul mate that helps me through health and in sickness even though he never pledged the oat, he does better he shows it to me every day of our life. I have a big family that most of them try to understand and try to help me, at least they are trying.

Some days I feel like I am sliding down the hill real fast. Other days I feel like I am climbing it. At the end of the week, month, year, I really don't know whether I am climbed the hill or slid down. When I look back at where I was, or look at what my friends are able to do, I do believe that I am going downhill. I have found a doc that wants to help me. She is a GP, but at least she is trying to help me find the right meds. She listens to me, and sometimes she even does some research for me. However I notice the meds going up each time I go to see her. Just seems nothing helps the pain anymore. So we increase the dosage. I wonder if I will be able to continue working for long. A retirement at the early 30s, now THAT is an early retirement.

Some days the poem below seems quite appropriate

I know I cannot do everything I used to.
I know I Cannot do everything with a smile anymore
I know I cannot be who I was, but I have become who I am today and I love who I am.
Tonight I am having a hard time accepting who I have become. The bitter, tired, lack of energy, lack of patience, limited person that I have become.
I know tomorrow I will be ok and I will be able to enjoy the smoke on the water,
Tomorrow the colourful leaves falling on the green ground will look beautiful to the eyes instead of representing death.
The orange leaf floating away on the sea will look like a new start and not a passing away.
But since we are not tomorrow yet I do long for the.

Author: Goof aka the new Sophie